Lasik and My New Zombie Eyes

No one told me that I would have subconjunctival hemorrhages post Lasik surgery. Until I googled it today, I didn't even know what subconjunctival hemorrhages were. In simple terms, they are zombie eyes.

Check out the striking similarities:



Walking Dead Zombie Eyes



My  Eerily Similar Zombie Eye

I got Lasik this past Thursday. Why? Here are a few of my reasons:

• A cat walks past me and its dander and fur and dirt particles gravitate toward me and cover the surface of my contact lenses.
• A dog walks past me and its dander and fur and dirt particles gravitate toward me and cover the surface of my contact lenses = pain and rage ensue.
• I walk into a house or building with forced air - all dust particles gravitate toward and nestle under my contact lenses, resulting in burning pain and discomfort...and squinty eyes.
• I go for a run and my contact lens decides to say "screw this, I'm out" -- jumps out of my eye onto sidewalk never to be found again.
• I run a Tough Mudder and get electricuted during an obstacle, face plant into mud water where all the dirt and mud particles make a nest behind my contact lenses. I ditch the lenses in the middle of the woods.
• Spinning class at LA Fitness -- contact lens leaps out of my eye and lands on disgusting dusty bike in front of me
• Fall asleep for more than five minutes with contacts = eyes stuck shut
• Camping with contacts = might as well put the burning embers of the bon fire into my eyes, because that's exactly where all the smoke goes.

 

When I ran the Tough Mudder in 2013 and ditched my lenses in the middle of the woods, that was my breaking point. I had to get Lasik.

I decided to go to the SWPA Eye Center for no other reason than I am extremely lazy with researching that kind of thing and purely trusted my friend's opinion who recently got the same laser surgery done there.

No big deal. Everyone I knew who got it said it was quick, painless and easy-peasy.



Pre-op, about to get some Lasik!

THEY ALL LIED.

Now, don't get me wrong. Painful isn't really the way I would describe Lasik. It's not painful at all, it's more uncomfortable than painful. Imagine aliens trying to abduct and enter your body through your eye balls. Then imagine going temporarily blind while this is on your eye:



Eye clamps during Lasik

Your eye ball is numb, yes, but you are 100% cognizant of the jabbing, poking, prodding and scrapping happening to your precious eyes. They did give me a little stress ball to squeeze. I was hoping for something more like a fifth of Vodka and a bottle of Valium. Alas, I settled for the stress ball.

Me, thinking I'm about to meet God.

 Overall, the surgery took about 35 minutes. Everyone said it would take seconds per eye. But when you're freaking out, twitching and sweating uncontrollably, that apparently adds a few extra minutes to the clock. Nothing against my surgeon or his amazing assistant, I was just freaking out hardcore. I've seen movies like Awake and heard of too many horror stories of doctors leaving scissors and scalpels in spleens and stomachs.

By the way, here's a video of a procedure in case you're feeling brave:

 

An hour drive home with uncontrollable waterworks -- I wasn't crying, my eyes just wouldnt stop watering through my super cool eye shields and sunglasses -- and one Valium later, I was at home in my bed sleeping like a newborn.

Three hours later I woke up and drank this delicious Bailey's-saturated milkshake and downed Nyquil like a suburban housewife in Weeds. Back to bed.



My sexy eye shields.

 My post-op eye shields, zombie eyes (yes both are beaming red beauties), absolutely no makeup for one week and all that operating room horror described above...ALL WORTH IT. I now have 20/20 vision. Waking up and seeing the trees and all of their tiny little glorious branches is something no one should take advantage of.

I will never again fumble for my glasses on the nightstand. I will never freak out in the night after thinking my sweatshirt hanging on the closet door is a buglar. I won't stab my eyeballs with my lens-covered finger or go for a run with a ripped lens AGAIN.